Man-Made by JV Pigafetta
The mating game wasn’t so complicated back in the day of dinosaurs. Our prehistoric brothers were not subjected to the frightening passive-aggressive time-to-get-married vibe that most of us modern men have to deal with. Heck, there was no such thing as marriage then. I don’t think cavemen practiced monogamy either. Imagine the streamlined process: when you want to get it on with a chick, you just make weird animal sounds and if she’s agreeable, you would get laid. Those boys had it so good. Nowadays, things have gotten pretty messy.
I dated this woman (let’s call her Catherine the Great), a corporate communications officer, who seemed fine at first. Her press release (“I’m an independent woman who strives to be free from the shackles of convention. Hindi ako katulad ng iba.”) was irresistible and I thought she would not fall into the trap of trying to meet The Wedding Deadline, an imaginary cut-off date that most women want to meet regardless of who they meet it with. Alas, Catherine the Great soon dropped hints that she was “itching to settle down.” I think she went crazy on me after nine months of dating.
First, she made obvious age-related statements (“Hey, JV, we’ll both be 30 soon. My mom got married when she was 25.”). Then she went on to drag me to shop for vegetables at the supermarket. Finally, when I proved too damn dense, she made the most obvious hint of them all. She, a woman who claimed to be annoyed by the smell of dogs on our first date, brought home a German Shepherd puppy. I felt my balls actually shrink when I went to her place and she met me at the gate carrying the four-month-old pooch like a baby. What she said next sent a chill down my spine. “I named her Marla Catherine Pigafetta. She’s our baby,” she cooed.
The puppy or dog as a prop for roping in a guy is a fairly recent development. Since the traditional pikot or getting one’s self purposely pregnant in order to manipulate a guy into marriage is already sooooooooooo 1975, today’s women have resorted to adopting a dog in order to manipulate its best friend into a matrimonial arrangement. Bottom line: Pare, pag bumili na ng tuta ang syota mo, matakot ka na.
Needless to say, Catherine the Great used Marla the Puppy to cling to me. After she threw a tantrum (the woman, not the dog) at a pet store because I was paying more attention to pup, our relationship was over. “Magsama kayo ng aso mo!” Catherine the Great told me as she stormed out of the pet store. Later on, she sent me text messages detailing my shortcomings. How I was not ambitious enough, how I was insensitive, how I made her eat balut, and so on.
I went home with Marla, who was sweet and just slept during the drive home. That cheesy song , “Passenger Seat,” was playing on the radio. I took it as a sign that Marla was the better passenger.
Three days after the pet store meltdown, Catherine the Great dropped by at my place and asked me to fork over P20,000 for the dog and its papers. Luckily, my life’s savings amounted to just that. It was worth it to save my Marla from the clutches of a bitch.
So, yes, I was able to commit to a dog and not to a woman. I don’t know what that means. Don’t ask me. Only women analyze that kind of stuff. All I know is, when a woman employs a sneaky tactic such as buying a puppy, the puppy might just end up stealing the man’s heart. Because, really, between an adorable animal who doesn’t require me to do much except love it and a woman who wants me to quit my job as a freelance graphic artist/photographer/my mom’s glorified driver and get a job in one of those fabulous corporations in Makati, it’s a no-brainer.
Let that be a lesson to all of us guys. Remember that when a woman buys a puppy, it’s time to take the puppy run. Marla has made me want to become a better man even without nagging me to shave off my stubble. She’s one bitch I wouldn’t mind growing old with.